Posted: 16 August 2005 at 11:38am | IP Logged

Why isn't it Friday already...?  What does everyone do to help the working day go faster when the boards are quiet and you quite blatantly don't want to surf too much? 

Answers on a postcard to the normal address

B = Beyond boring

O = Obviously boring

R = Really boring

E = Evidently boring

D = Dead boring

Help!!

Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted: 16 August 2005 at 11:47am | IP Logged

This has to be told in a slow southern drawl!

An old man was sitting on the verandah of his house in Louisiana when a young lad walks past carrying something.

"What you got there, boy" calls the old man.

"I got me some duck tape" replies the boy.

"What you gonna do with that boy" calls the old man.

"Gonna catch me some ducks" says the boy.

"Don't be so stupid boy. You can't catch no ducks with duck tape"

"I'm gonna try"

And off he went. That night the old man was sitting on his verandah when the boy walked past trailing 32 ducks behind him all wrapped up in the tape. The old man couldn't believe his eyes.

Next morning he was back out on the verandah when the lad walked past carrying somehting else.

"What you got there boy" called the old man.

"Got me some chicken wire" replies the boy.

"Watcha gonna do with that boy?"

"Gonna catch me some chickens"

"Don't be stupid boy. You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!"

"I'm gonna try". And off he went.

That night the boy walked past the old man's house trailing 28 chickens behind him all wrapped up in the chicken wire. The old man can't believe his eyes.

Next morning he's sitting on the verandah when the boy walks past again, carrying something different.

"Watcha got there now boy?"

"Got me some pussy willow"

"Hold on there boy, I'm a coming with you!!"

Posted: 16 August 2005 at 11:58am | IP Logged

This one needs to be told in a broad Yorkshire accent (think Ffabbia)!

It's the day before John's wedding and his Dad calls him in to his den.

"Righto lad. Sit thee down, Ah've got thee some advice. Day I married your mother I called her to my side in t'hotel honeymoon suite, took off my trousers and told her to put them on. Well she tried but after a while she said to me "Tha trousers don't fit me, father" and I told her "No and they never will! Which is why I shall wear the trousers in our house!" And I always have. So mark my words lad. Do the same thing tomorrow night and you'll get no trouble from the lass".

Next night John called his new bride (Jane) to his side in the honeymoon suite, took off his trousers and told Jane to put them on. "It's no good John, you're trousers just don't fit me" said Jane. "No" said John "and they never will. Which is why I'm going to wear t'trousers in our house".

Oh, OK" said Jane. She then took off her panties and handed them to John. "Put my panties on John" she said. And John struggled to pull them on. After a few minutes he gave up and said "It's no good Jane, I can't get in your panties".

"No!" replied Jane "and if you keep that attitude, you never will!"

Posted: 16 August 2005 at 1:56pm | IP Logged

A young girl passed an old man sitting on his porch and was amazed by his strange youthful perplexion.

She stopped and asked him 'Old man, how do you keep your skin looking so young and fresh, your eyes so bright and your hair so dark and rich'

'Well' said the old man 'I start each day with a couple lines of coke and shot of whiskey, I smoke a cartons of cigarettes before lunch, when I normally have a bottle or 2 of wine or sometimes a crate of beers.  I hit the crack pipe in the afternoon, and at around 3 o'clock I shoot up some heroin or morphine and then I have my nap.  Early evening, a start on another carton of cigarettes, I get through another bottle of whiskey, some more lines of coke, a couple of E's, a couple of bongs and from then on, I kinda lose track, but that the general idea'

'Wow' said the young girl 'and how old are you?'

'I'm twenty-six' he said.

Posted: 16 August 2005 at 2:04pm | IP Logged

Very good Jez.

It reminds me of a true story involving my Grandad (who was a very cool bloke).

He lived to be about 96 and I went to visit him once in his early nineties. His house was very modern, leather three piece suite, music system, really nicely decorated (no flock wallpaper - just plain emulsioned walls in contemporary colours).

On the wall in the lounge was the Sun calendar and on the wall in the kitchen was the Star calendar. I was sitting down with him for breakfast the first morning of my stay and he poured himself a bowl full of cornflakes to which he added milk and a tot of whiskey!

I said to him "What's all this Grandad. Whiskey in your cornflakes and naked girls on your walls."

"Well Graham" he said. "It's the middle of winter and a tot of whiskey in my cornflakes helps to warm me up in the morning".

"Fair play" I replied. "But what about the naked girls on the calendar".

"Well" he said, gazing at Miss February, "when I look at that young lady it makes me feel good inside. The only problem is... I can't remember why!"

Posted: 16 August 2005 at 2:10pm | IP Logged

...reminds me of the time I was at a party, I managed to pull this lovely looking girl and invited her back to my place. Oh no I can't she said, I'm on my menstral cycle. Thats ok I said, I have the moped outside.