(NOTE: Before you start ranting at me, I don't really think that reviewers here are pretentious and narrow-minded, and I don't think the artists mentioned are crap! I'm just kidding, okay?)



A Christmas Carol: MP3Unsigned Edition



(at Stew's office)

Stew: "Ah, Steve... Graham... Glad you could make it! Stella Polaris Project are performing at the Green Room tonight and I need you to write up a review on it!"

Steve Gilmore: "The Green Room? You expect us to go there?"

Stew: "Well, I know it's hardly Brixton Academy, but I feel we should write up on these smaller performances! I hear the place is struggling to stay open!"

GreyB: "Hardly surprising, considering the so-called calibre of the people who have performed there before! Larry Lane, AcousticMick, Youth UK, Essence... need I go on?"

Stew: "Look... just go there, okay? Post up the review by tomorrow evening!"

(a few minutes later)

Steve Gilmore: "What a way to spend Christmas! Oh well... we might as well go and see how bad this performance is gonna be?"

GreyB: "Go there? Are you kidding? We don't even need to turn up to know that what's playing there is unimaginative and cliched!"

Steve Gilmore: "You're right! Let's not pollute our intellectual minds with such derivative nonsense!"

(at the reviewer's office)

Steve Gilmore: "Uninspired fodder for the MySpaz generation..."

GreyB: "The most tedious thing I had to endure in years..."

(an hour later)

Steve Gilmore: "Now that we've written the review, we can listen to some proper music, courtesy of Spakka!"

GreyB: "I hear the track "Five Minutes Of Distorted Screaming" is absolutely riveting!"

(at midnight)

Steve Gilmore: "What's that noise?"

GreyB: "You haven't started playing that Dawn Sinclair CD again, have you?"

AndyF: "No, he hasn't!"

GreyB: "What the..."

AndyF: "I am AndyF... MP3Unsigned member of Christmas past! Come... let me take you on a journey!"

(all three are travelling through time)

Steve Gilmore: "How one deplores the over-reliance of the Soundtrack genre!"

GreyB: "One might as well be in a Disney film!"

(they arrive at a concert)

AndyF: "Remember this place?"

Steve Gilmore: "Hardly! One tries to remove all thoughts of previous exploits!"

GreyB: "A Depeche Mode concert? How can anyone enjoy such pretentious cavorting?"

AndyF: "Not everyone!"

Young Steve Gilmore: "Uninspired fodder for the new-wave generation..."

Young GreyB: "The most tedious thing I had to endure in years..."

Sir Hydro: "Hi! I'm Sir Hydro... MP3Unsigned member of Christmas present!"

Steve Gilmore: "Oh, great! A one-dimensional hiphop character that doesn't know whether to be old-skool or nu-skool!"

(time-travelling again)

Sir Hydro: "Here we are at the Green Room... the place you two were SUPPOSED to be tonight!"

MD-1 Project: "That went well! Shame we're not getting the audiences!"

Melinda Mohn: "I heard some reviewers were gonna be here tonight, but I didn't see any! Did you?"

GreyB: "Well, what do you know! Even off-stage, they're self-pitying and shallow!"

Tedd-Z: "Hey there! I'm Tedd-Z... MP3Unsigned member of Christmases to come!"

GreyB: "Oh dear! A lazy mish-mash of cliches from every Electronica subgenre you can think of!"

(some more time-travelling)

Tedd-Z: "That review was the last straw for the Green Room! It was closed down, sold to a rival MP3 site for a knock-down price, and converted into a MySpaz page!"

(yet more time-travelling)

Tedd-Z: "Fast-forward a few more years! Another demise!"

Steve Gilmore: "What does that gravestone say?"

(they come to a lone gravestone which reads "Steve Gilmore & GreyB: Commentators of Music")

Steve Gilmore: "COMMENTATORS!!! MERE COMMENTATORS!!! It should say "Musical Geniuses"... "Cultural Gurus"..."

GreyB: "The thought of being commemorated by a mere slab of granite is sickening beyond belief!"

Steve Gilmore: "Please, Tedd-Z! Don't go! Tell us how we can avoid such an anti-climatic demise!"

(they both wake up at the reviewer's office)

GreyB: "Huh? What time is it? Come on, Steve! We must head to the Green Room!"

Steve Gilmore: "Why? Are we gonna check the afternoon performance? Rewrite our review?"

GreyB: "Of course not! We're gonna place a bid on the place before that rival site can get their hands on it!"

(a year later, standing outside what was the Green Room)

GreyB: "The Steve Gilmore & GreyB Foundation for Music Critisism! Our immortality is assured!"

Steve Gilmore: "God bless us critics, one and all!"

THE END

________________________________________________________________



Merry Xmas, MP3Unsigned!

Chris Tedds aka Tedd-Z




Edited by Tedd-Z - 08 December 2007 at 8:15pm

  

I have to admit, that is particularly clever and funny. Tommy will be happy Spakka got a mention.