Job hunting!

So I have been actively job searching now for a good 6 months...and beyond. Anyhow, haven't had much luck so decided perhaps my C.V needs sprucing up. As I was looking for inspiration I came across an old spoof C.V that one of my relatives did for a laugh. It provided me with some real belly laughter after a crappy day and a pointless...laughable interview!


Curriculum Vitae

Personal Details

Name: Keith Broker

Address: The Southsea Twiglight Home for Bewildered Car Dealers

Date of Birth: 567 B.C.

Place of Birth: Venus

Nationality: Venusian

Marital Status: Married

Dependants: 12 (Known)

Education

Primary: Battersea Dogs Home

Secondary: The Ken Livingstone School Of Tap Dancing

Further: Broadmoor

Achievements

Academic:

GCE ‘O’ Level – Fish Training, origami, Karaoke (Advanced), Knife Sharpening, Kung Foo.

Vocational:

City & Guilds Rat Catching
City & Guilds Public Relations

I.A.T.A International Apple Tree Association

A.B.T.A Association for Baking Toffee Apples

C.L.A.I.T Company for Latrines & International Toilets

Apart from the qualifications listed, I once applied a lot of Artex to the walls in my house and then painted it with emulsion. I am an accomplished wine drinker and have a hatred for post-men – (especially those who turn up late and the refuse to let me put a stamp on my letter that I forgot to put a stamp on before I put it in the post box. I’m sure you can understand how annoying this can be!

I have recently completed a course on the use of curry in the workplace and intend to enrol on the next course for advanced tap-polishing. If you were to choose to employ me, I would gladly cut off my leg and become a Mormon.

Employment

The Hooded Mask – Yes! That’s right, the hooded mask is me! Wherever there is trouble, consumer difficulties, swearing or anti-social behaviour- I am there, brandishing my bag of marshmallows and an old boxing glove. I appear, sing a couple of Elvis songs and then fall asleep. It is a challenging job and I have enjoyed it immensely, but now my cover is blown and I must look for alternative employment.

Sept. 1931 – Dec. 1926 – BBC (Brokers Beautiful Cars)

Proprietor – Working from a telephone box and with only a string vest to wear, I built up the business from scratch. Yes basically I would scratch people’s cars and then offer to sell them a new one. The supply of insurance write-offs was inexhaustible and as long as my source for cornflake boxes kept me supplied, the business just went from strength to strength. Unfortunately, I ran out of glue and when one of the elastic bands broke this was the last straw. The business folded, with debts of 37p and I was forced to move into a cardboard shoe box with my 12 children.

A.D 479 – Apr 1921 – Share Drug Stores

Managing Director – Reporting to the head check-out girl, my duties included making the tea and dealing with obnoxious customers. Using my natural charm and a cattle prod, I managed to attract many new customers from the High Street and until the armed hostage siege things were going very well. Unfortunately, I had taken the name of the company too literally and discovered that it was not legal to ‘share drugs’. After a syringe broke in the bottom of a delivery boy, I was arrested and made police commissioner.

Oct. 1919 – Oct. 1919 F.W. Woolworth

Trainee Manager – My duties included wearing a suit and walking very quickly in little pigeon steps from check ot to another, mumbling and looking rapidly from side to side. My favourite moment was when I arrested a pensioner for thinking about stealing butter, but she was later released when it was pointed out that we didn’t sell butter. She had however, been in custody in the stock room for two years and for some reason was not very happy. I was therefore promoted to General Manager and it was at this time that I met the love of my life……Mavis, who operated the bailing machine. Our relationship developed well, but I went off her when she tried to bail me along with a load of cardboard boxes. I later discovered she was really called Brian and was an ex-Marine!

Hobbies/Interests

Many and varied, but include: Ferret training, laying in bed till lunchtime with a magazine and a box of chocolates, shouting abuse at strangers and devising ways to make myself famous by doing something really bizarre.

Summary

As you will see from the above details, I have an excellent work record and a well-balanced personality. I have progressed from pulling the wings of moths, to cutting through bungee ropes and my ambition is to eat a steam train. The nice men at St James told me that I am now a model citizen and I have been nominated for an oscar.
I am looking for a new challenge- preferably something that does not take a lot of effort, but involves earning lots of money.
I am well presented and the flatulence problem has now cleared up.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[TonyMiller]

After reading this I realise that I've had my identity stolen. But it's ok, I don't want it back!

Gave me a good laff!

Good luck with the job hunt.

[Saphfire]

I'm thinking of doing my own spoof one....and actually sending it out....I might have better luck