'tis the season to be silly ;)

The Ultimate Rejection Letter!

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

 

The BEST Divorce Letter!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair
cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after
watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't
want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!

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And the Reply
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Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and
griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut
last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a
girl!", but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say
anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten
me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price
tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your new silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million Dollars, I
quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed, Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL.

I hope that's not a problem.

Change is good.

 

Silly Nelson Mandela Joke

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

 

What Is Sex?

An out-of-breath 8 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"

He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When Grandpa was finally done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing that she was overwhelmed, he asked her what had caused the sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

 

Plastic Surgery?

A woman in her forties goes to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon tells her about a new procedure called "The Knob."

A small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head, hidden by her hair, and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman wants "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightens the knob and the effects are wonderful. The woman remains young-looking and vibrant. After 15 years, the woman returns to the surgeon.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looks at her closely and says, "My goodness, those aren't bags, those are your breasts!"

She says, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

We all get old one day

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

I hope you had fun ;)

This is what comes of having the same humour Tom m8...lol...I love the old couple joke.

Good stuff! Especially the secs!

A couple are in bed snuggling. things getting passionate when the girl stops and says. "Look, I'm sorry but I'm not really in the mood. I've changed my mind but I know you'll understand and love me for me not just my body." The guy says "sure" and they go to sleep.

The next day, the guy says "Look, I'll take you out today to show you that I really do care". He takes her to the deparment store and tells her to choose some perfume, which she does. He then tells her that perhaps a new dress would go well with the perfume. She is overjoyed and tries on six before choosing. He also tells her that some new shoes would go well with the dress which she also spends time choosing.

She tells him that she is so happy and loves him very much and that they should go and pay for the purchases. He looks at her and says "Well actually, I've changed my mind and I'm not in the mood for this any longer. I know you won't mind and will love me for who I am and not my wallet".