The Anatomy of a Rock Band
by Anon E. Moose

Okay, okay…we all know that a band is more than the sum of its parts. Stop heckling back there…I just said I know! What we’re going to be talking about at this time is band politics…and so we’re going to take a look at what the parts of a Rock band are. We’ll also make mention about how bands are run…but we’ll get to all that in a future edition of this same article. Let’s start.

Most rock bands are made up of some variation of guitar, bass, drums, and a singer. Sometimes there's a keyboardist, second guitarist, and/or a DJ. Sometimes we have to include other stuff.

Let's meet some of these nice folks.

Singer

Also called ‘lead singer’ or vocalist.

Literally the voice of the band,. A human voice has more inflection in it than a guitar, to the point where a singer is usually the most identifiable member of the band. The singer is the face of the band and sometimes the leader. Though there are sometimes two different leaders in a band, one onstage and another off.

The singer often has the largest ego in the band, and the least amount of musical training. And they're usually also kind of moody. If this describes you then you could pick several worse careers…although that said they are very prone to suicide and mysterious deaths. If, by some miracle, they do not come to an untimely end they usually end up outside school gates of the local Catholic boys’ or girls’ school trying to revive their flagging career and ego.

Favourite drink: anything bought freely for them because they are so great! Or, a bottle of water to spray the adoring girls’ and boys’ tee-shirts when they stand at the front of the stage.

Favourite line: "I might have been lying when I said I was lying."

Guitar Player

Also called ‘guitarist’.

A lot of the sonic authority of a rock band comes from the electric guitar. And in spite of what most people think, guitarists are a lot more exchangeable than vocals are in most cases. There are not a lot of guitarists you could spot in a blind test as easily as say singers. So make yourself identifiable beyond sacking.

Bands used to have a rhythm and a lead guitarist, but that's kind of outdated. Nowadays, smart bands know that if you have two guitarists, it's usually best to have them both play a little of each. Granted those naff solos are a little dated anyway. The coolest guitarists add with-it sonic structures in interesting places rather than just "taking a solo" after the third chorus and whenever else they can manage.

There's a line I heard once that I liked a lot, and somehow never heard again: "Why have a solo when you can just have another line of lyrics?" Guitarists disagree but then guitar players often give the singer a run for her/his money in the ego department. You should never ask what a guitarist calls his/her guitar as the relationship is quite an exclusive one…although the guitarist is in the band the guitar is somehow not and many bands have split up because of other band members interfering with the relationship a guitarist has with his/her guitar. It is no accident that the first part of this band member’s title is pronounced ‘git’.

Favourite drink: anything FREE and containing alcohol.

Favourite line: "I could have played that." Or "What city am I in?"

Bass Player

Also called the bassist, plays the bass (or as it is technically called, "the electric bass guitar"), that funny thing with four (or sometimes five, six, or eight) fat strings that provides the "bottom" of the band's sound. The bass is the room-shaking pulse.

Guitarists tend to a theory that bassists are just frustrated guitar players, demoted at some point from guitar because no one else would play bass. Smart musicians will often play the bass to be in demand. My friend in a group called Freeze started out on guitar and demoted himself to bass at age 18 because guitarists are a ten-a-penny and bassists are about a penny each. It is often easier to start a band as a singer/bassist than as a singer/guitarist. My friend has now demoted himself to a builder because it offers far better job security.

Favourite drink: none…”there’s no future in it!”

Favourite line: "What will I be doing in ten years?"

Drummer

The drummer is the beat, groove and life of any band. Often the least appreciated player, but the most in demand…at least they were until drum machines came along. They often argue about time and timing but strangely never wear a watch that they look at.

Many people say, "You're only as good as your drummer," and it's definitely true to a certain extent. The drummer is usually the first person fired and replaced when a band gets signed to a major label. And even if you aren’t aiming for that, you will never be great if your drummer isn't. Whilst you can overdub every other instrument in the studio the drums have to be solid and played all the way through correctly in one take. You can't really fake the drums although you can buy rather good samples on CDs at reduced rates. Don't settle with the first drummer you try unless everyone is completely starting from scratch; then you can learn together.

Drums without music are noise, but music without drums just sort of falls out of the speakers onto the floor…unless it is an extremely accomplished acoustic piece…then it sort of flows nicely into your heart…or unless you hate drums, in which case you love the fact that there are no drums.

The drummer often has an extremely explosive and aggressive personality, because what they do is so physical. They like beating things! This includes other band members’ instruments as well as other band members. Someone once said that drumming attracts the loons, but he charged $200 an hour and I’m no drummer…I guess mathematics really does contain the ultimate truth…at least this is what the drummer said to me after the third punch.

Favourite drink: Jack Daniels with an umbrella…don’t ask!

Favourite line: "I didn't speed up. You did."

Keyboard Player

Also called the ‘keyboardist’.

It used to be that this member of the band had the most musical training, usually years and years of having their knuckles beaten with a ruler by some crazed piano teacher. But today, now that the keyboard is cool again, and it's easy to use, there are a lot of people taking it up who don't have any of the classical training that was traditional. These new people have a lot of insight and tend to be creative without getting bogged down in virtuosity.

The keyboardist's role is often divided these days, blurred with computer sound design and production, DJ roles, and/or playing samples and beats off a hard drive or even scratching with vinyl. They are capable of multitasking and it is extremely well suited to women who keep proclaiming their multitasking abilities. They usually join Amnesty International to make friends and pen pals and are extremely good for answering the huge amount of fan mail that the band receives.

Favourite drink: black coffee and speed…so they tell me.

Favourite line: "You guys should tune to me."

DJ

Stands for disc jockey, but they're rarely called that.

These days, some bands have a DJ in their line up. This can be as basic as "just the guy adding the scratching sounds" to being the driving force who actually composes the whole tune in the studio. In this case, the DJ often creates backing tracks that are played back live from a DAT (digital audio tape) or CD or from a hard drive. As a hint I’d say get the prettiest DJ you can. I did once hear of one in Japan amusingly called a ‘dick jockey’ although I thought I wouldn’t tell him when he was crying to me that four of his vinyl collection had mysteriously gone missing. Apparently it was important that the band found out what happens to vinyl in a microwave oven.

Sometimes the DJ role in concert is much like a conductor in an orchestra: the conductor in an orchestra actually does most of his work in the rehearsal, and much of his role live is just for show, and to honour all the work he did beating the band into shape. Oh, a conductor does do some useful things at the musical performance, like cue the players to come in at certain points, but they are very professional musicians. By the time the piece is performed, they already know where to come in. The DJ, like a conductor, is there much of the time for ceremonial and decorative reasons. The real work gets done when the audience isn’t around. Sometimes no real work gets done. If you want to annoy one then you should steal his laptop or simply say “That beat’s sh*t!” to every new idea she/he puts forward.

Favourite drink: 12 cans of Carlsberg Special Brew followed by 4 cans of Diamond White

Favourite line: "I'm a musician. Really!"

Horn Players

Saxophones, trumpets, clarinets, trombones, and whatever else you can think of. Some would say they have no place in a rock band whilst others say otherwise. Basically they are just band nerds no matter how you look at it but they have done their apprenticeship in the school bands and music camps. That is no easy thing! I personally like horns. Horns look classy. They’re so nice and bright with lovely reflections. When you’re stuck for a mirror they’re helpful and when you’re on the band bus in the middle of nowhere with an overflowing loo they provide a real relief.

Favourite drink: liquid brass polish.

Favourite line: "I help write our songs; they just don't credit me."

Backup Singers

A back-up singer is someone who adds vocals behind the main (lead) vocalist to augment the sound. Often the backup singers also play an instrument, though this is not necessary. Sometimes it is not necessary that they sing.

For a band a backing singer is a blessing because you can weed out the people with attitude and the people who couldn't sing very well. Different bands have different rules for how to pick backing singers: some listen to vocal ability whilst many others concentrate on other skills the backing vocalists may have.

Favourite drink: Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against The Wall – a cocktail

Backup singer's favourite line: "Someday, I'll be the singer." Or “That’ll be $20!”

There are clearly other members of the Rock band Fraternity/Sorority but this will do as an introduction. Now dare to tell me that no one you know in a rock band fits in with these descriptions.

Next time on Anatomy of a Rock Band we look at Roadies, Managers and Groupies…until then stay well oiled and drink your favourite tipple.

Anon